We all overindulge at Christmas, but at least horsey folk get some exercise to work off the excesses. Whether they want it or not…
1. Input: Smoked salmon and Buck’s fizz
Output: 10 minutes of anguished hopping on one leg because the darned horse trod on your foot.
2. Input: three cocktail sausage rolls
Output: 10 minutes of urgent skipping out because the darned horse waited till you’d laid a fresh bed before answering the call of nature.
3. Input: two pineapple and cheese on sticks and a vol-au-vent
Output: Lugging about six feed and water buckets because you volunteered to do early stables during the holidays.
4. Input: six roast potatoes
Output: Traipsing round the field for 45 minutes with a head collar and a bucket of pony nuts because the darned horse won’t be caught.
5. Input: three slices of roast turkey
Output: 15 minutes of energetic grooming because the darned (grey) horse has rolled in the muddy bit again.
6. Input: Parsnips and stuffing
Output: 20 minutes of walking back to the meet because the darned horse dumped you at the third fence.
7. Input: Christmas pudding and brandy cream
Output: 2 hours of poo-picking in a five-acre field. Whose idea was this?
8. Input: one of each colour out of a giant tin of Quality Street
Output: 1 hour of pulling out ragwort — insanely mild December means the devil weed is growing again!
9. Input: three mince pies
Output: 20 minutes of chasing pony round field with its New Zealand rug dragging on the floor.
10. Input: Brussels sprouts
Output: 5 minutes of galloping across the fields. Not to get rid of the calories; just because it’s fun.