You know you’ve spent too much of the summer showing when…
1. As you walk across the yard, you stop in the middle, bow to the judges, rein-back and walk on.
2. You have to resist the temptation to match everything — hair scrunchies, nail polish, shoes — when you go out.
3. You’re constantly checking to make sure you haven’t got earrings in.
4. When you drive round a corner, you click gently to yourself as you accelerate out.
5. You try to comb in shark’s teeth when your hair’s wet.
6. If you get stuck behind someone in the supermarket, you and your trolley turn a circle rather than try to overtake.
7. And when you’re told to “take a number” at the deli counter, you expect to have to wear it on your back.
8. You itch to clip your grandfather’s nasal hair.
9. When you see someone holding a clipboard, you bestow upon them a dazzling smile. Which confuses the heck out of market researchers.
10. All your leather shoes are polished to a high shine.
11. You never run; you move into extended canter.
12. You think makeup means baby oil, boot black, and chalk.
13. When your friend tells you they have concert tickets, you find yourself thinking, ‘where did they qualify?’
14. You practise quarter marks on the dog.
15. Someone asks you if you like Beyoncé and you reply, ‘Who’s it by?’